Funny News Stories

[Doug]

48-year-old Brit Catherine Cartwright ignored a court-ordered ban on her noisy sex, and has pleaded guilty to making love with sounds described as "murder," "unnatural," and capable of drowning out her neighbors' televisions.

Cartwright had been banned from her noisy romps after hundreds of complaints. Even her postman and a women who walked her child to school past Cartwright's house complained.

The Press Association reported that Cartwright claimed to not realize she was being so noisy:

Giving evidence Cartwright said she was unable to control the noise she made during sex. "I did not understand why people asked me to be quiet because to me it is normal. I didn't understand where they were coming from. I have tried to minimize the situation by having sex in the morning - not at night - so the noise was not waking anybody," she said.

See here:
Link.

It's been measured at 47 decibels.

[Doug]

Many residents of Lawndale, California want garlic plants, which line the downtown streets, removed because they smell bad. A city councilman commented that they should not be removed because they keep away the vampires.

"The only reason we had garlic put in was so we could keep the vampires out of town. And since we have had garlic I haven't seen one single solitary vampire in town."

See a short video clip of the interview with the councilman here.

[Doug]

[Doug]

Keeping American Safe from RPG's?


MADISON, Wis. A man serving life in prison for first-degree intentional homicide lost his legal battle Monday to play Dungeons & Dragons behind bars.

Kevin T. Singer filed a federal lawsuit against officials at Wisconsin's Waupun prison, arguing that a policy banning all Dungeons & Dragons material violated his free speech and due process rights.

Prison officials instigated the Dungeons & Dragons ban among concerns that playing the game promoted gang-related activity and was a threat to security. Singer challenged the ban but the 7th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals on Monday upheld it as a reasonable policy.

...Singer, 33, has been a devoted player of the fantasy role-playing game since he was a child, according to the court ruling. After the ban went into effect, prison officials confiscated dozens of Dungeons & Dragons books and magazines in his cell as well as a 96-page manuscript he had written detailing a potential scenario for the game that players could act out.

Prison officials enacted the ban in 2004 after an inmate sent an anonymous letter expressing concern about Singer and three other inmates forming a "gang" focused around playing the game.

Singer was told by prison officials that he could not keep the materials because Dungeons & Dragons "promotes fantasy role playing, competitive hostility, violence, addictive escape behaviors, and possible gambling," according to the ruling. The prison later developed a more comprehensive policy against all types of fantasy games, the court said.

[Doug]

The psychic octopus known for his amazingly accurate World Cup predictions has received death threats, the Telegraph reports. Paul, the oracle octopus whose prescient premonitions perfectly predicted the outcome of all six German World Cup games, first generated anger from Argentinian fans who believe his percipient pick doomed Argentina in the quarterfinals.

Paul's keeper in Oberhausen, Germany said "there are always people who want to eat our octopus but he is not shy and we are here to protect him as well. He will survive."

See here.

[Dardedar]

How old you are:

***
"For students entering college this fall, e-mail is too slow, phones have never had cords and the computers they played with as kids are now in museums.

The Class of 2014 thinks of Clint Eastwood more as a sensitive director than as Dirty Harry urging punks to "go ahead, make my day." Few incoming freshmen know how to write in cursive or have ever worn a wristwatch.

These are among the 75 items on this year's Beloit College Mindset List.

The list is meant to remind teachers that cultural references familiar to them might draw blank stares from college freshmen born mostly in 1992.

Of course, it can also have the unintended consequence of making people feel old."

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100817/ap_ ... ndset_list

[Doug]

How old you are...

DOUG
Since they've never worn wristwatches, one of the interesting corollaries is:

"They’ve never recognized that pointing to their wrists was a request for the time of day."

[Doug]

"Cock Talk" at a Mankind Retreat

IRVINE, Calif. (Oct. 10) -- Attorney Steven Eggleston was suspicious when his boss pressed him to attend a weekend male retreat, but refused to tell him what would be happening there, saying participants were sworn to secrecy.

So he did a Google search and found out why.

Men would be holding hands and walking naked, blindfolded, through a forest. Then they would sit nude in groups of 30 to 50, passing around a wooden dildo and giving lurid details of their sexual history. Eggleston said he found out that the men will grab each other's penises if they wish.

Eggleston didn't like what he read and refused the invitation. Now he's suing the firm and his bosses, saying he was badgered, yelled at and ultimately had his pay slashed to zero for not attending the retreat, held at a Santa Barbara, Calif., mountain campground and sponsored by the ManKind Project, according to a lawsuit filed in Orange County Superior Court.

See here.

[Doug]

Is This Vehicle A Stick-Shift or Are You Just Having a Good Time?


A half-naked woman found in a van outside a hotel in west suburban Naperville with a loaded gun and various sex toys originally told police she was changing clothes, but later admitted she left her kids in the motel and went out to pleasure herself.

Vicki K. Myers, 44, of Texas, was registered at the Red Roof Inn on the 1600 block of Diehl Road in Naperville with her three children when she was spotted about 9:45 p.m. Friday in a van in the parking lot by officers, who noticed she was naked from the waist up.

"She originally told officers she was changing," Naperville police Sgt. Gregg Bell said, but later changed her story to say that she went into the van to pleasure herself. "She had some sexual devices in the van."

See here.

[L.Wood]

U.S. Orders Diplomats to Stop Telling Truth Until Further Notice
Fallout from WikiLeaks Mess

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In the first major policy fallout from the WikiLeaks disclosures, the State Department has ordered all U.S. diplomats to “cease and desist telling the truth until further notice.”

“We are working overtime to try to make sure that leaks like these don’t happen again,” Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told reporters. “But until we’ve got the leaks plugged, it’s incumbent on all our diplomats to put on their lying caps.”

Secretary Clinton noted that since many US diplomats are major political donors with long careers in the business world, “this shouldn’t be a reach for them.”

But for those career diplomats who came up through the Foreign Service, the State Department will be holding a series of “truth avoidance seminars,” led by executives of Goldman Sachs.

Borowitz Report

[Doug]

What else would you use in a library?

TORONTO — A Canadian man was charged with first-degree murder Friday for fatally shooting his father in the back with a crossbow in a Toronto library as shocked mothers and children watched.

Zhou Fang, 24, appeared in court to face the murder charge a day after Si Cheng, 52, was killed in the library about an hour after a nearby school let out for the day. The judge ordered that Fang be held without bail.

Toronto police Const. Tony Vella said Cheng was pronounced dead at the scene and Fang was arrested later Thursday in a Toronto suburb.

"The use of a crossbow is definitely a unique case in Toronto," said Vella. "You hear about guns, you hear about knives being used, but you definitely don't hear about a crossbow."

See here.

[Dardedar]

Spanish Woman Claims Ownership of the Sun, Plans to Begin Charging for Use

By Justin Rohrlich December 1, 2010

A 49-year-old Spanish woman named Angeles Duran has registered ownership of the sun in her name, with the help of a local notary.

Yes, the sun. As in, the actual sun.

The official document attests that she is the "owner of the Sun, a star of spectral type G2, located in the centre of the solar system, located at an average distance from Earth of about 149,600,000 kilometers."

According to El Mundo, Duran "took the step in September after reading about an American man who had registered himself as the owner of the moon and most planets in our solar system."

"I backed my claim legally, I am not stupid, I know the law," she said -- although she has not yet figured out how to collect payment from the residents of planet Earth.

At least one citizen isn't ready to pony up for his daily dose of sunshine.

"Aries Dragon" of Texas, writes:

"I cannot pay and I do not foresee being able to pay in the near future. Please discontinue my service immediately. I will notify you when I am ready to resume."

Link

[Dardedar]

NASA Completes 52-Year Mission To Find, Kill God

WASHINGTON—After more than five decades of tireless work, brave exploration, and technological innovation aimed at a single objective, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration announced Wednesday that it had finally completed its mission to find and kill God.

"I am ecstatic to tell you all today that we have beheld the awesome visage of the supreme architect of the cosmos, and we have murdered Him," jubilant administrator Charles Bolden said after being drenched with champagne by other celebrating NASA employees. "There have been innumerable setbacks, missteps, and hardships over the past 50 years, but we always stayed true to our ultimate goal and we never gave up."

"We finally got the son of a bitch!" Bolden continued. "He's dead! God is dead!"

According to officials, God was killed this morning on the moon by a highly trained team of seven astronauts. He was reportedly lured into a trap after coming into contact with the Voyager 2 probe, which was transmitting a false message that NASA wanted to broker a truce with God on "neutral ground."

More...

The Onion

[Dardedar]

Marauding Gay Hordes Drag Thousands Of Helpless Citizens From Marriages After Obama Drops Defense Of Marriage Act

FEBRUARY 25, 2011

WASHINGTON—Reports continue to pour in from around the nation today of helpless Americans being forcibly taken from their marital unions after President Obama dropped the Defense of Marriage Act earlier this week, leaving the institution completely vulnerable to roving bands of homosexuals. "It was just awful—they smashed through our living room window, one of them said 'I've had my eye on you, Roger,' and then they dragged my husband off kicking and screaming," said Cleveland-area homemaker Rita Ellington, one of the latest victims whose defenseless marriage was overrun by the hordes of battle-ready gays that had been clambering at the gates of matrimony since the DOMA went into effect in 1996. "Oh dear God, why did they remove the protection provided by this vital piece of legislation? My children! What will I tell my children?" A video communique was sent to the media late yesterday from what appears to be the as-yet unidentified leader of the gay marauders, who, adorned in terrifying warpaint, announced "Richard Dickson of Ames, Iowa. We're coming for you next. Put on something nice."

The Onion

[L.Wood]

bananas and cucumbers TOO SEXUAL to be sold in stores

(This is not the Onion)

"Many conservatives were disgruntled when First Lady Michelle Obama decided that healthy food and fitness were important factors in the lives of children. It seems they are now taking that hatred of health food to a new level. One town in Tennessee has just voted on two specific foods that will no longer be seen on the shelves there.

In Clarksville, TN food shoppers will no longer be able to buy bananas and cucumbers. The town council, comprised heavily of staunch conservatives sees these two fruits (yes cucumbers are technically a fruit) as “too sexual” and seen as a bad influence to growing and developing children.

The panel of local legislators had this to say about their new law:

What parents don’t realize when then serve their children bananas and cucumbers is that they are literally putting food into their mouths that are in the shape of male genitalia. These parents are teaching their children how to offer fellatio. It is disgusting and disturbing, especially for the boys. The children of Clarksville will only eat produce that is wholesome and non-sexual in nature from now on."
.....
Interestingly enough, an Islamic cleric residing in Europe said that women should stay away from bananas and cucumbers, in order to avoid any “sexual thoughts.” The parallels between many of the new conservative laws regarding women and children are stunning.

http://www.freewoodpost.com/2012/03/07/ ... tennessee/




Moderator addition:

Satire Disclaimer
March 7, 2012
By Sarah Wood

Free Wood Post is a news and political satire web publication, which may or may not use real names, often in semi-real or mostly fictitious ways. All news articles contained within FreeWoodPost.com are fiction, and presumably fake news.

Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to politicians and/or celebrities, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction.

FreeWoodPost.com is intended for a mature, sophisticated, and discerning audience.

http://www.freewoodpost.com/disclaimer/

[Ellenl]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-mahe ... hare_ended

Here's a couple excerpts:

When I say religion is a mental illness, this is what I mean: it corrodes your mental faculties to the point where you can believe in tiny ninja warriors who hide in vaginas and lie in wait for bad people's sperm [think Todd Akin here]

How do they [the GOP] get away with it? They know that, because we're already such a religious country, our minds are primed for magical, fantasy thinking. The gullibility comes factory-installed. They've learned that you appeal not to an American's head, but to his gut -- it's a much bigger target. But here's the problem: life is complicated. I mean, I know we know some things for sure, like why Jesus put us here on Earth: to watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo on a 50-inch TV screen. But what about the Chinese slaves who made the TV? What about carbon from the coal that generated the electricity? What about the Walmart where we bought it, where the workers don't have health insurance? What about racism, or the oceans turning into nail polish remover? The grown-up answer is: identify problems scientifically, prioritize and solve. The Republican answer is: there isn't a problem. And anyone who tells you different is a liar who hates America. We don't have to make hard choices. We just have to ignore the science and the math -- that's why God gave us values.