Letter from Blue States to Red States

[Doug]

Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our
own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with
us. In case you aren't aware, that
includes California , Hawaii , Oregon , Washington ,
Minnesota , Wisconsin , Michigan , Illinois and all the
Northeast. We believe this split will
be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people
of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas , Oklahoma and all the
slave states. We get stem cell research and the best
beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty.
You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get
WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85
percent of America 's venture capital
and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama . We get two-thirds of
the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their
fair share.


Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than
the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy
families. You get a bunch of single
moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be
pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our
citizens back from Iraq at once. If you
need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have
kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths
for no purpose, and they don't care
if you don't show pictures of their children's
caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and
hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not
willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of
80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90
percent of the pineapple and
lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95
percent of America's quality wines, 90 percent of all
cheese, 90 percent of the high tech
industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living
redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister
schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech
and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will
have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and
their projected health care
costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100
percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99
percent of all Southern Baptists,
virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush
Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University
of Georgia. We get Hollywood and
Yosemite , thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states
believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent
believe life is sacred unless we're
discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44
percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that
Saddam was involved in 9/11 and
61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people
with higher morals then we lefties.


Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have
that dirt weed they grow in Mexico .


Peace out,

Blue States

[Barbara Fitzpatrick]

Unfortunately Blue States would have to get over the anti-war status muy pronto - the Red States would immediately send all their evangelical "god, guns, and anti-gays" into the Blue States to steal all the money and goods they're currently benefitting from under the "moral" guise of preserving the Union. But fortunately, there are enough "liberals with guns" in the Blue States to actually defend themselves.