"The MTV 'VMAs' last night were hosted by Russell Brand. He referred to President Bush, and this caused a big controversy, as a 'retarded cowboy.' Yeah, of course, everyone knows the correct term is 'special needs cowboy.'"
-–Conan O'Brien
"Experts say that since Sarah Palin became the vice presidential nominee, there's been an actual spike in the sales of her style of eyeglasses. With Palin's glasses, you'll be able to see everything, except what the hell your teenage daughter's up to." -–Conan O'Brien
"Should we be nervous about a man who preaches against wasteful spending when his wife is wearing $300,000?"
--Jimmy Kimmel
"And how are you going to be vice president of the United States with five kids? She's got a four-month-old of her own. She's about to become a grandmother, and she's partnered with John McCain. How many diapers can one woman possibly change?"
--Jimmy Kimmel
Last night, Charlie Gibson did something John McCain has never done: interview Sarah Palin.
--Jay Leno
"The government is spending, what, $200 billion to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Unemployment, five-year high. Foreclosures are at a 19-year high. This means the Democrats are going to have to work extra hard over the next eight weeks to blow this election."
--Jay Leno
Palin went back to as for Alaska for a while, so you know what the means? People can go back to ignoring John McCain again."
--Jay Leno
"John McCain is so old, his blood type has been discontinued."
–Davd Letterman